Another post about depression, so if you'd rather not read it, I'll understand.
I've been taking medication and I thought it was working. The last couple of days I've started to have problems for some reason. My leg has been jumpy, a sure sign of anxiety for me. When I woke up this morning, I just couldn't face going to work. I had only about an hour's worth of work and I didn't want to spend all day finding things to do.
So I did the best thing for myself and left work after that hour. I was going to go to the bookstore and then go see the Harry Potter movie, but NOTHING is open at 8:00 in the morning. So I went home and spent 3 frustrating hours trying to get my new piece of technology to work. (It transfers cassette tapes to mp3 files.) Then I played Rockband for 3 hours to beat out all my frustration.
At least the day ended well with an ice cream date with my dad and a trip to the bookstore.
I'm just really frustrated (is that the word of the day?) right now. I've cried 3 times today for no reason. I had a sudden urge to throw a glass cup onto the floor. I had to restrain myself from yanking my daughter out of the car this morning as she was whining for me to carry her. There was some other stuff too, but I won't put it here for fear of "scaring the straights" (as Bill Murray said in "Ghostbusters".)
I haven't felt this awful since I got married. (I guess I'd better explain that.) When I was single I had my anxiety mostly under control. I could take time to be alone and recharge. When I got married, there was always someone else there; when I woke up, when I came home, in my bed, when I ate... My anxiety went crazy. Those first few years were hard.
The frustrating part is trying to figure out how to get help. I went to the doctor last month for medication. Obviously something is still wrong. It's the fifth or sixth different medication that I've tried. And the sad thing is that it's not going to end. I'm going to be experimenting with meds my whole life. Sigh.
And by the way, Cliff is an awesome husband. He has put up with my insanity for over 7 years and there's nothing but more to come. He doesn't mind when I need to be by myself for a few hours. He takes great care of the girls. I know it's hard for him to be able to do so little to help, but just being willing to stick with me and not give up is the best thing he can do. That way I know that he will always love me, no matter what.
So to all you who are loved ones of people with mental disorders, keep loving them and do your best to listen.
Darn it. Now I've cried 4 times. Well, at least this time I had a reason.
5 comments:
I'm so sorry. I feel the same. I think I'm at exactly the same point as you. (And those damn doctors don't really care enough to listen anyhow. I've resorted to researching my own meds, then asking specifically for them.) Have you ever taken 2 at once? That's where I'm at.
Yeah, I took Wellbutrin along with something else once. It did nothing.
If your doctor's not listening, then you've got to find another one who will! I've been very blessed to have a GREAT doctor (who's also LDS)for the last 9 years. I used to drive to BOULDER CITY to see him; now he's in Henderson. Another friend of mine has a really good one in town, too. Let me know if you want the numbers, Jen.
The med that works for me is old and has generic now (Thank goodness) but I've had to add an anxiety med with it over the last couple of years (imagine that :)
If either of you ever need/want to talk, let me know. It's a hard place to be, especially when you feel like it's just you who's there.
I say Amen to everything said here. I miss my meds. I tried St. Johns again to avoid having to find yet another doctor and explain everything to them. Unfortunately St. Johns makes it worse. I'll have to call soon.
I love you and I am hear if you need to vent.
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