This week has been really stressful. I’ve been doing the re-chartering for the scouts and I always hate that because I have to call people. Last night was crazy because I had to be in two places at once and get 6 different signatures. And when I went to bed I was worrying about next week, next month, next year.
For the last week I’ve been fighting off depression. I’ve cried a few times and yelled at the girls too much. I’ve also been reading scriptures and conference talks and Cliff has been extra helpful so things haven’t been too bad. But I still had this knot of fear and worry and anxiety. Are things going to get better or worse? What if Cliff can't get a job when he graduates? What if he does get a job and we have to move? What if this depression gets worse? What if...? It's like I'm trying to negotiate a mine field. One slip and everything blows up.
Then I remembered a piece of something I had read about how fear does not come from God. Worry and anxiety are not what we should be feeling when we are doing what the Lord has asked of us. I was confident that I was doing the best I could so I decided to give up the worrying and anxiety. I gave it all to God. There is nothing I can do about the future. I can only do my part and leave the rest up to Him. I pushed all that responsibility for the future over to Him and then felt so much lighter. No more worry, no more anxiety. I had done my part and I was not in charge of the rest. It was great.
I’m still wondering about what will happen, but with a happier heart. More like wondering what is inside the presents under the tree than wondering where the land mines are and when will I step on one.
It's funny how we pick up these burdens that don't have to be carried. And that I'll probably find myself carrying it around again and will have to be reminded to put it down. For now I'll just enjoy the pleasant feeling of a lighter heart.
3 comments:
Great thoughts Jen. Figure out a way to remind yourself every day (or at least once a week). During Sacrament?
Yes, I've had to do that too. And yes there comes times when you have to remind yourself to put it all down again. Pres. Monson gave a great talk on being happy NOW. To let the past go, let the future go, and live right now. With the people you love around you. Reminds me of that quote "People with depression live in the past, people with anxiety live in the future, and people who are content live in the present. Take one day at a time!
I hate playing the "what if" game with myself. I always end up losing. Do your best and forget the rest, that's what I try to tell myself.
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