It has been a while since I posted last, mostly because it has been a while since I felt like talking to anyone. I've had trouble with my new medication (didn't work) and my social anxiety (not under control like I thought.)
It's been an ongoing battle and one that will keep going on for the rest of my life I'm sure. I knew I was in trouble when I slept 'til noon and then took a 2 hour nap.
I've been reading a book by Heather Armstrong called "It Sucked and then I Cried" about her bout with postpartum depression. It's sort of nice to know you're not the only one who can't cope with everyday life without medication. My favorite part is this:
"A good day was defined entirely by personal hygiene. Brushing my teeth = pretty good day. Brushing my teeth + brushing my hair = I was doing really good. Brushing my teeth + brushing my hair + taking a shower = WORLD DOMINATION. I believed that if I could get all the way to putting on mascara that I'd be magnificent enough to create my own planet and populate it with bears."
There were a few days for me that I barely put clothes on. Here are the thought that kept me going:
1. My mom. Not only has she been through so much with her own emotional problems, but her own sister killed herself many years ago. Whenever I feel like doing the same, I can't help but think of mom who tried to break down my door because she thought I was in trouble.
2. My husband who has put up with me all these years. I'll never forget the day he cried when I told him that I has thoughts of suicide.
3. My daughters. Who could want to leave such beautiful children? And how could I face them in the afterlife knowing that I gave up on them?
And how can you not feel comforted with chubby little one-year-old arms around your neck?
5 comments:
Yes, there are good reasons to keep going. Most of them are named Cliff and Elizabeth and Catherine. I always try to remember that suicide is one of the most selfish things that you can do, considering that it's taking the easy way out and causing unmeasurable amounts of pain to everybody else. Then I try to remember that I'm not a selfish person. And that's not an option for me. Takes some counseling to get there, sounds like you could use someone to talk to. Call me.
There are reasons to keep going. Whenever I feel like giving up I think of all the people I care about and what they will feel. I don't want that for them, especially my babies who are so completely innocent. They need their mother. So do yours. Whatever problems there are can't be solved that way. I am finding out it is okay to have a break when you need one, but you can't ever give up.
You girls are amazing!!
I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. I'm glad that you have found such good reasons to keep going. You are a great person with a wonderful family! Take care.
Jen, I love you and would miss you so very much if you were not in my life. I don't tell you very often how very much I admire your openness and love for everyone in our family. Please always know that you have an old gray aunt who thinks about you often. I am always here for you and your family
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