I think I'm hyper-aware of my feelings compared to "normal" people.
If I feel "sad" I immediately start to analyze the sadness. Is it the beginning of depression? Can I turn it around by changing my thoughts? Am I just bored? Did something sad actually happen to me?
If I'm feeling "angry", is it from anxiety? Am I worried about something? Am I depressed and angry about someone being happy near me? Are the kids annoying me? Am I annoying myself?
I'm constantly analyzing my emotions to determine thought patterns and ways to head off my depression and anxiety since early intervention usually shortens the run time and sometimes dissipates it altogether.
I feel like an old car that has to be constantly tuned, adding fluids as they leak out. Too much acceleration and the engine dies. Not enough gas and the motor won't turn over. Don't hit the clutch at the right time and you're stalled. Go lightly on the brakes or they squeal. Anyway...
I'm tired of it. Tired of the constant monitoring and analyzing. Tired of only wearing waterproof mascara just in case I cry in the middle of church or the middle of work or the middle of sex. Tired of giving myself pep talks before and after every social interaction, even just walking past someone in the hall. I'm tired of caring, but when I stop caring I get depressed and that's even worse.
What would it be like to be someone who doesn't have to care? Sometimes I wonder how it feels to always be "normal". It happens to me about two days a year. There will be a day when I not only feel happy, but I don't even think about being that way; I just AM. I don't have to take a "moment", I don't have to wonder if that stray thought is going to lead me to a dark place. I don't have to talk myself into going somewhere or carry something in my hand to fidget with. I don't have to wonder if I'm talking too loud or touching my face too much or forgetting something.
When I shed this mortal body that worries and cries and stress-eats, will I be "normal"? Or will the worrier I have become be the "real" me? Will my body's imperfections become something that takes my spirit a millennia to recover from? These are things they don't teach you in Sunday School.
1 comment:
I empathize with you!!!! It also hard to care so much and feel so deeply! I have to be so careful about what I watch and what I read and what I expose myself to because things weigh on me! I obsess over things that don't need to be obsessed over. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I could just not care!
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