Basically I don't feel anything. No happy or sad. No interest, no disgust. I don't care about food or how I look or what my kids are doing.
The hardest part is thatI have to fake feelings when I'm around people. I have to pretend to be friendly and interested. I have to remind myself not to stare off into space.
I also analyze my reactions to things. Did I just laugh too loud? Am I doing the right face for polite interest? Then the instant my interaction is over, I feel my outward appearance drop back into nothing and my face is blank again.
It's been a week since this all began and some says have been better than others. I taught my Primary class, Family Home Evening, had another family over for dinner, and even went to a friend's birthday party. It's an easier depression than the sad sort, and less grumpier than the angry sort, but it's starting to wear on me. Imagine not having any feelings whatsoever. Not caring, not wanting anything, nothing positive or negative. If I had my way I'd be in bed all day just staring. But, as Queen says, "My makeup may be flaking", but the show must go on.
4 comments:
I get that kind of depressed sometimes. Last week as a matter of fact. My house will be turned upside down, my kids are running around crazy, and I can't bring myself to care really. Church is always fun during those times. It feels like I have to unscrew my smile off my face after I get home.
Thank goodness for wonderful understanding husbands who somehow know when to comfort, back away, or just take over for a few hours.
I would like to say something helpful. But nothing is. When I get that way it lasts a few days. Then it just goes away somehow. When it is gone I look back and realize I was depressed. But when depressed, I don't know I am depressed. (Does that make sense?) I'm still not sure what makes it come and go. Buy now I just know it happens and pretend. MOM
I told Nate this morning that I had been depressed for a couple weeks. And Bam! It clicked and I realized that's exactly what my problem was. He was able to tell me a few things to give me my power back. My control back. To realize I am not a dead zombie, but a power house, with a temper and a fighting spirit. So are you. We are built of strong feisty stuff. Your ancestors didn't lie down and take anything, the women were the pot-stirrers, the strong ones, the fighters. You have that inside you!
I get the apathetic depression all the time. The extremes worsen with each baby. Its the pits. I feel your pain, or lack thereof.
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